http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgGu782dNX0
"Compelled by Love"-Heide Baker
"Fruitfullness flows from intimacy, fruit from our lives has to come from the secret place"-Heidi Baker.. "wanting my Jesus more and more, wanting his fresh bread."
You are easy, and full of love, and I want to say "YES".
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Obedience through encounters.
I am convinced that the encounter won't sustain us, unless we walk in obedience. Obedience gets us to those encounters, God takes Glory in the encounters and he takes Glory in the grace that we will need to fully walk out those encounters in obedience. I don't want to be deceived.. I need not only revival, but I need a heart resolute on being faithful in obedience.Change of heart Lord! So when the encounter comes I will know how to steward it. Change of heart my sweet Jesus, so that I will be faithful with knowing that obedience will allow me to walk out the change. Truly this is the testing of revival, I want to be a clean, pure,obedient vessel. I want to be faithful with an outpouring.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
8Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly]. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish (refuse, dregs), in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One),
Father you must have it all there is no other gain than you. Give me doves eyes completely focused and visioned on one thing, set me apart Jesus. I'm thirsty for a drink of your love.
I'm laying it all aside. Throwing off what hinders love. O0o this is scary..
oo0o this is death. O0o0 this is beautiful abandonment.This doesn't make me feel comfortable at all but at the same time how can I sit still?
Father you must have it all there is no other gain than you. Give me doves eyes completely focused and visioned on one thing, set me apart Jesus. I'm thirsty for a drink of your love.
I'm laying it all aside. Throwing off what hinders love. O0o this is scary..
oo0o this is death. O0o0 this is beautiful abandonment.This doesn't make me feel comfortable at all but at the same time how can I sit still?
Monday, November 23, 2009
Teach me what is a pure heart?
Holy spirit what is this pure at heart that you speak of? Every time I try to do a pure thing.. poor motives or intentions lie behind them. Sometimes irritation, frustration, and selfish gain. I am sick of myself.. you see it all though don't you? You said the Pure at heart will see God, those who have clean hands. Father give me clean hands grant me a pure heart. Right now I just seek junk, but bring me a little lower. Allow to me to give up, let go, and run hard. Right now I am stuck, I am sleepy, I'm selfish, prideful,fearful, insecure, and hard at heart. Holy spirit come and bring the oil...
Here is my heart. Renew it. Cause my heart to trust you, and please tend to it so that it will be alive on the inside.
Everyday is a day to trust you. Everday is a choice to love you, and to lavish my love on you. Cause me to walk in obedience, to walk with intergrity and to bring your heart Joy you see the secret things. Father is calling me into a intimate setting with just me and him. Father help me endure till the end.
Here is my heart. Renew it. Cause my heart to trust you, and please tend to it so that it will be alive on the inside.
Everyday is a day to trust you. Everday is a choice to love you, and to lavish my love on you. Cause me to walk in obedience, to walk with intergrity and to bring your heart Joy you see the secret things. Father is calling me into a intimate setting with just me and him. Father help me endure till the end.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Hope deferred makes the heart sick. prov 13:12
Here I am.
Ground zero.
Starting over.
I'm looking back at my 20 years of age and am trying to gather all the scraps together wondering what it's all looking like as of now.
I seem to be a little lost in a whirlwind of high hopes, empty dreams, and reality checks. I'm in a cloud and I see what I long for, what I can perceive with my eye. But I'm waiting in the cloud that the Lord has put me in, I guess he's wanting me to seek him and him only. I keep trying to strain my eyes to see if there's any hint of any dreams or visions coming to pass, but I don't see any hope. I'll just have to seek him, get over my impatience, and learn how to rest in him. Sometimes it's a lot easier to love my beloved when I know where's he's taking me, it's a lot easier to trust him when I see with my own eyes the visions unfold. But right now I don't.. not even a stir of the lifeless vision. Here it lay dead. A vision that I don't have enough hope to invest in. So I prayed to you father, and I told you I didn't want that dead vision, for it was no good. From now on it will just be a faint picture in my head, that's painted over with realities of boring college, and lifeless careers that keep you practical. This is where my heart grew faint, and maybe even a little cold.. my heart grew sick because hope was deferred. Surely YOU ARE A GOOD FATHER, is what I kept telling myself and if your not a man that you shall lie.. than in the end whether this vision ever ressurects itself or not. Things are going to turn out victorias, joyful, and fulfilling. I have to hope, I have to paint pictures of the impossible in my mind's eye.
Sometimes I wish I had more vision for the here and now, or that maybe I was one that God called for a pracitcal college career. But sadly I see another picture that I can't get out of mind. I see zealous young people flooding the streets of San Fransisco with authority and boldness. When you look into their eyes, they flood love, and forgiveness. They never let go and they always hope, they'll run after your soul and plead for mercy to a GOOD GOD that can save you. I see them rustling through the busy streets of the city, with eyes on the prize and ears inclined the holy spirit their best friend. He whispers to them thoughts of hope and ressurection a message to be preached to the select few. And when we give the message it floods out of our hearts and you can see it in our eyes.. we've spent time in prayer for you. I see college students with utterings of visions and prophecy on their lips as they present a bold Gospel on Pier 39. You zelous african american's, and asians break dance prophetically claiming the streets with their moves. I see the Gospel like bread the broken and the homeless in San Fransisco. They are fed, and are gladly satisfied with something that finally took the hunger out of their soul. I see me, painted with tattoos, styling the hipsters hair or pouring some coffee over a genuine conversation of the state of ones soul. Love leaps out of my heart, and my eyes of full of compassion because that morning I got up and prayed for that person. I see myself riding my yellow bicycle all across town, joy in my heart knowing that Jesus saves and he loves to do so. For the crack addict I glance at, for the small shriveled asian man selling those beads on the corner of the street. I ride my bike down haight street, a familiar place in my heart I'm wrestling with despair against revival. I walk through the clouds of confusion, and universalism I step through the fog of marijuana and the loud city streets. I see young kids who have given their souls over to finding something.. anything.. that could be real or authentic. Kids that haven't bathed in months and hold dearly onto the ideas of anarchy and liberality. They want no morals yet their hearts are so very wounded from unclaimed boundries everyone seems to rebelliously cross. There is no security except the pride in the their heart, and the fact that they live by their own rules and are fighting to keep themselves dying. These are the streets of the early years of Janis Joplin where she fell in love with drugs, and the free love movement. These kids are holding fast to the hippy age. I see myself praying for these kids, hoping that this will be the day that I see some hearts melt when I see some pride broken. But I have to fight through the confusion, fighting through the mindset of truth being relative in the city of peace. I see myself having a heart of a fighter, a heart of a lover, I invite people to live with me under no circumstances other than they be hungry for Jesus and honest. I see me and my husband having a Keith Green ministry, we are zelous for the Gospel and hoping to see moves of the holy spirit breath on the dry bones around us. We'll meet anywhere, love anyone, pray at anytime we just long to see Jesus move and to be motivated by love and compelled by righteousness. We are young and don't know much, we're light hearted and don't know what we're doing half the time but we're best friends and we love Jesus. I see me with two little boys, they bring joy to my heart and prayer is developed into me it becomes a love language of mine, more like a habit of putting on clothes I put on prayer. Being poured out like a drink offering I pour out the love of the father into the streets of San Fransisco, and I let her know that truth she is so desperately seeking for can be quenched by the deep wells of the love of father. I work as a well digger, one who will put in the time and effort to see a few at first enter the kingdom of God. I long for him to father my heart, and to be a joyful Dad to those he set aside for his good pleasure. But like I said this is only a foggy vision.. a dream left lifeless for now.
Right now he's giving me the pastoral heart, for the girls I share a house with.I don't even see what's infront of me. The times I could be praying I've wasted away, yet longing for a break through I find myself feeling stuck. Just wanting to have fun, or find a way to ignore responsibility. I feel like the holy spirit is always mad at me, so I avoid spending time with him. In actuality when he tugs at my heart and asks me to speak, it's usually like a light kiss not a harmful punch. I don't spend time with Jesus lately, mostly because I suppose I keep myself busy. Or I'm sick of my heart being sick, I'm being impatient and question if he loves me.I can't sit still I just want him to move already..I can't spend time with him because I'm still wrestling with living mediocre. The boring college life seems pretty save.. and I'm not about to plunge off a cliff for a vision I only see a faint picture of. I'm sick of this vision, I'm sick of my heart, and I feel sick of Jesus. Yet I have no where else to go, I've left everything for him and my heart desires nothing less than him and his fullness for my life. To bring kingdom down to earth, is what my soul pants for. I keep trying to convince myself to settle for someone that's not the keith green, but I can't bring myself to. Or to forget about a life higher than mediocre expectations.Father you have to give me eyes for the here and now, you have to help me see what's infront of my face. The preperation you have for me seems mundane, but embed discipline in me a life of prayer father.
This is why I'm at ground zero, I refuse to look at the lifeless vision that only he can ressurect. Yet I also refuse to be a christian and be mediocre.. I'm either going to force myself to live it up as a sinner. Or I'm really going to go after him, and the people that he's calling me to shephard. This is my dilemna, I honestly just need to have him. Whatever that means, I can't trust that even if I spend time with him if I actually know what he says. I just don't want to misinterpret anymore ..so I'm going to spend time with a mute God. I'm going to try to spend time with him, with no direction for future plans. I'm just going to ask that he holds me and brings me peace for my sick heart.
12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" prov. 13:12
Father I ask that you let me eat from the tree of life, it doesn't have to be now. But father satisfy me.
Ground zero.
Starting over.
I'm looking back at my 20 years of age and am trying to gather all the scraps together wondering what it's all looking like as of now.
I seem to be a little lost in a whirlwind of high hopes, empty dreams, and reality checks. I'm in a cloud and I see what I long for, what I can perceive with my eye. But I'm waiting in the cloud that the Lord has put me in, I guess he's wanting me to seek him and him only. I keep trying to strain my eyes to see if there's any hint of any dreams or visions coming to pass, but I don't see any hope. I'll just have to seek him, get over my impatience, and learn how to rest in him. Sometimes it's a lot easier to love my beloved when I know where's he's taking me, it's a lot easier to trust him when I see with my own eyes the visions unfold. But right now I don't.. not even a stir of the lifeless vision. Here it lay dead. A vision that I don't have enough hope to invest in. So I prayed to you father, and I told you I didn't want that dead vision, for it was no good. From now on it will just be a faint picture in my head, that's painted over with realities of boring college, and lifeless careers that keep you practical. This is where my heart grew faint, and maybe even a little cold.. my heart grew sick because hope was deferred. Surely YOU ARE A GOOD FATHER, is what I kept telling myself and if your not a man that you shall lie.. than in the end whether this vision ever ressurects itself or not. Things are going to turn out victorias, joyful, and fulfilling. I have to hope, I have to paint pictures of the impossible in my mind's eye.
Sometimes I wish I had more vision for the here and now, or that maybe I was one that God called for a pracitcal college career. But sadly I see another picture that I can't get out of mind. I see zealous young people flooding the streets of San Fransisco with authority and boldness. When you look into their eyes, they flood love, and forgiveness. They never let go and they always hope, they'll run after your soul and plead for mercy to a GOOD GOD that can save you. I see them rustling through the busy streets of the city, with eyes on the prize and ears inclined the holy spirit their best friend. He whispers to them thoughts of hope and ressurection a message to be preached to the select few. And when we give the message it floods out of our hearts and you can see it in our eyes.. we've spent time in prayer for you. I see college students with utterings of visions and prophecy on their lips as they present a bold Gospel on Pier 39. You zelous african american's, and asians break dance prophetically claiming the streets with their moves. I see the Gospel like bread the broken and the homeless in San Fransisco. They are fed, and are gladly satisfied with something that finally took the hunger out of their soul. I see me, painted with tattoos, styling the hipsters hair or pouring some coffee over a genuine conversation of the state of ones soul. Love leaps out of my heart, and my eyes of full of compassion because that morning I got up and prayed for that person. I see myself riding my yellow bicycle all across town, joy in my heart knowing that Jesus saves and he loves to do so. For the crack addict I glance at, for the small shriveled asian man selling those beads on the corner of the street. I ride my bike down haight street, a familiar place in my heart I'm wrestling with despair against revival. I walk through the clouds of confusion, and universalism I step through the fog of marijuana and the loud city streets. I see young kids who have given their souls over to finding something.. anything.. that could be real or authentic. Kids that haven't bathed in months and hold dearly onto the ideas of anarchy and liberality. They want no morals yet their hearts are so very wounded from unclaimed boundries everyone seems to rebelliously cross. There is no security except the pride in the their heart, and the fact that they live by their own rules and are fighting to keep themselves dying. These are the streets of the early years of Janis Joplin where she fell in love with drugs, and the free love movement. These kids are holding fast to the hippy age. I see myself praying for these kids, hoping that this will be the day that I see some hearts melt when I see some pride broken. But I have to fight through the confusion, fighting through the mindset of truth being relative in the city of peace. I see myself having a heart of a fighter, a heart of a lover, I invite people to live with me under no circumstances other than they be hungry for Jesus and honest. I see me and my husband having a Keith Green ministry, we are zelous for the Gospel and hoping to see moves of the holy spirit breath on the dry bones around us. We'll meet anywhere, love anyone, pray at anytime we just long to see Jesus move and to be motivated by love and compelled by righteousness. We are young and don't know much, we're light hearted and don't know what we're doing half the time but we're best friends and we love Jesus. I see me with two little boys, they bring joy to my heart and prayer is developed into me it becomes a love language of mine, more like a habit of putting on clothes I put on prayer. Being poured out like a drink offering I pour out the love of the father into the streets of San Fransisco, and I let her know that truth she is so desperately seeking for can be quenched by the deep wells of the love of father. I work as a well digger, one who will put in the time and effort to see a few at first enter the kingdom of God. I long for him to father my heart, and to be a joyful Dad to those he set aside for his good pleasure. But like I said this is only a foggy vision.. a dream left lifeless for now.
Right now he's giving me the pastoral heart, for the girls I share a house with.I don't even see what's infront of me. The times I could be praying I've wasted away, yet longing for a break through I find myself feeling stuck. Just wanting to have fun, or find a way to ignore responsibility. I feel like the holy spirit is always mad at me, so I avoid spending time with him. In actuality when he tugs at my heart and asks me to speak, it's usually like a light kiss not a harmful punch. I don't spend time with Jesus lately, mostly because I suppose I keep myself busy. Or I'm sick of my heart being sick, I'm being impatient and question if he loves me.I can't sit still I just want him to move already..I can't spend time with him because I'm still wrestling with living mediocre. The boring college life seems pretty save.. and I'm not about to plunge off a cliff for a vision I only see a faint picture of. I'm sick of this vision, I'm sick of my heart, and I feel sick of Jesus. Yet I have no where else to go, I've left everything for him and my heart desires nothing less than him and his fullness for my life. To bring kingdom down to earth, is what my soul pants for. I keep trying to convince myself to settle for someone that's not the keith green, but I can't bring myself to. Or to forget about a life higher than mediocre expectations.Father you have to give me eyes for the here and now, you have to help me see what's infront of my face. The preperation you have for me seems mundane, but embed discipline in me a life of prayer father.
This is why I'm at ground zero, I refuse to look at the lifeless vision that only he can ressurect. Yet I also refuse to be a christian and be mediocre.. I'm either going to force myself to live it up as a sinner. Or I'm really going to go after him, and the people that he's calling me to shephard. This is my dilemna, I honestly just need to have him. Whatever that means, I can't trust that even if I spend time with him if I actually know what he says. I just don't want to misinterpret anymore ..so I'm going to spend time with a mute God. I'm going to try to spend time with him, with no direction for future plans. I'm just going to ask that he holds me and brings me peace for my sick heart.
12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" prov. 13:12
Father I ask that you let me eat from the tree of life, it doesn't have to be now. But father satisfy me.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Life at almost 20.
I LOVE BEING ON the Teen Mania campus, this place is such a sweet pure innocent pursuit of Jesus. They encourage sweet basic truths, that other christians seem to unlook.. like Integrity, love, servanthood, and leading with humility. I love the interns here.. they're pride is broken, their love is pure, and they are focusing on the simplicity of loving Jesus for yourself.
It makes me want to be alive on the inside. I want my heart to be ravished again, I want my pursuit of Jesus to start in the secret place. I've been nomading my way around to different coffee shops looking for a different atmosphere to do my homework.. I haven't one. I miss my roommate allyssa who simply sits by me, calms me, and explains to me step by step how to do my homework and not be overwelmed. She's a nurterer alright, she's a mother on the inside the type of mother I want to be. Peaceful, encouraging, soft spoken, thoughtful, and calm. I love her. I also love my roommate Ally .. she is the papa for sure- Faithful, smart, handy, full of knowledge and practicality that you can't find on google, and she has a backbone and a protective spirit about her. I love my roommates lynn and emily as well. Lynn brings the house joy.. and I've never met another person that has brought out such awkwardness in me, I love our talks, I love her heart, and I pray for peace all around her. I also love Emily she is more like a sister to me, she is my little sister in a way. I know her heart, I know her intentions, I know her purity in seeking Jesus.. she's the mary I'm the martha at times. She gets fed because she expects our father Jesus to feed her.. I work at times because I expect him to notice my works, and yet I see her gazing at him and I wnt to be like her. She's naive and soo very trusting, I like this about her and there is no fear of man in her. This is great, she encourages me so much.
Life is crazy right now.. I'm seeing all these couples get together. Most of them will be married within two years max. I'm watching them, and I'm in wonder because I knwo that the world wouldn't put these two together, some of the couples don't even make sense.. but they see the beauty of Jesus within each other. And this makes their love so much stronger than any other hot couple the world would put together. This makes me think of my own personal promises from the Lord, I'm pretty content with being single and I won't waiver on the man that God has for me. I'm in no hurry.. my dream was always to be married at 27.. this is a beautiful age and I envy those who have gotten to wait this long. But I belive that the Lord said I would get married young, and I see a lot of puzzle pieces coming together. Bhahaha but I am so patient.. because these things still completely freak me out.
I've been in this coffee shop for ahwile and I love the music they are playing , meditation to my soul.They also played a lot of Keith Green, I really love this. I see beauty in pursuing Jesus right now. He's cleaning house within my soul and I'm coming back to my first love, finding the secret place where I really knew him. Seeking to be alive and in love on the inside.. I would rather not go through the motions at all then go through the motions and have him not show up. It's too dissapointing and it hurts too bad, so in the secret place I'm pretty resolute on finding him. This is my Joy in this lifetime, this is my prize.
My Birfday is coming up.. I'm going to be 20. This is unreal.. I've been in my teens for quite sometime and I now I'm starting to see kids around me and instead of me being the youngest I'm getting up there with the old folk. I'm seeing teens that I am completely suprised with.. I can't believe their younger than me. And this stirs up urgency in my soul.. my life is fading. My life is running out of time. I need to embrace him, I need to find him, I have to be altered by his gaze of grace. I can't just live in this state forever. My attitude had been so poor, I was envying everyone around me, I knew of God, but I didn't know what God felt about me, and I wouldn't give him that part of my heart. I wouldn't let him close.. I wouldn't let him love me directly, fully, I wouldn't let him hold my bare gross exposed heart. I just wouldn't do it, this made me independent.. it was stunting my ability to love my roommates, to love myself, to love him. Becuase I had put him soo far off. Last night was great break through.. He said " Don't move... I want to hold you..Don't Do.. I WANT to love you". This is a song I'm going to write for him, and hopefully when pple listen to this they won't strive they'll hold out their empty hands and receive what the father has for them.
My life is a wirlwind.. and I see things around me..
New Zealand.
Prayer.
NO WORKS, JUST INITMACY.
still ... empty.. bare.. real quite times.
family restoration.
Love abounding, my heart coming alive again..
homework and studying eventually being accomplished and hopefully a discipline forming within me.
20 YEARS.. 20 YEARS OF LIFE..o0 Jesus breath in me.
Missions.
Nursing.
Marriage.
Love.
keith green ministry..
new wine being released.
the love of the father being poured out.
learning how to pray.
More tattoos.. I'm not scared.
growing in love, and growing into the image of Christ.
Letting go of envy, self pity, covettness, and focusing less on myself and more on the beauty of Christ.
Prophetic written songs.
Salvations.
LOVE . HUMILITY. Let them define me. Form me into the image of your son Christ.
Favorite quote of the weekend...
"The way you get good at praying.. is your pray. The way you develope a deeper prayer life is you pray, just pray. There is no formula you just do it, you just pray."
It makes me want to be alive on the inside. I want my heart to be ravished again, I want my pursuit of Jesus to start in the secret place. I've been nomading my way around to different coffee shops looking for a different atmosphere to do my homework.. I haven't one. I miss my roommate allyssa who simply sits by me, calms me, and explains to me step by step how to do my homework and not be overwelmed. She's a nurterer alright, she's a mother on the inside the type of mother I want to be. Peaceful, encouraging, soft spoken, thoughtful, and calm. I love her. I also love my roommate Ally .. she is the papa for sure- Faithful, smart, handy, full of knowledge and practicality that you can't find on google, and she has a backbone and a protective spirit about her. I love my roommates lynn and emily as well. Lynn brings the house joy.. and I've never met another person that has brought out such awkwardness in me, I love our talks, I love her heart, and I pray for peace all around her. I also love Emily she is more like a sister to me, she is my little sister in a way. I know her heart, I know her intentions, I know her purity in seeking Jesus.. she's the mary I'm the martha at times. She gets fed because she expects our father Jesus to feed her.. I work at times because I expect him to notice my works, and yet I see her gazing at him and I wnt to be like her. She's naive and soo very trusting, I like this about her and there is no fear of man in her. This is great, she encourages me so much.
Life is crazy right now.. I'm seeing all these couples get together. Most of them will be married within two years max. I'm watching them, and I'm in wonder because I knwo that the world wouldn't put these two together, some of the couples don't even make sense.. but they see the beauty of Jesus within each other. And this makes their love so much stronger than any other hot couple the world would put together. This makes me think of my own personal promises from the Lord, I'm pretty content with being single and I won't waiver on the man that God has for me. I'm in no hurry.. my dream was always to be married at 27.. this is a beautiful age and I envy those who have gotten to wait this long. But I belive that the Lord said I would get married young, and I see a lot of puzzle pieces coming together. Bhahaha but I am so patient.. because these things still completely freak me out.
I've been in this coffee shop for ahwile and I love the music they are playing , meditation to my soul.They also played a lot of Keith Green, I really love this. I see beauty in pursuing Jesus right now. He's cleaning house within my soul and I'm coming back to my first love, finding the secret place where I really knew him. Seeking to be alive and in love on the inside.. I would rather not go through the motions at all then go through the motions and have him not show up. It's too dissapointing and it hurts too bad, so in the secret place I'm pretty resolute on finding him. This is my Joy in this lifetime, this is my prize.
My Birfday is coming up.. I'm going to be 20. This is unreal.. I've been in my teens for quite sometime and I now I'm starting to see kids around me and instead of me being the youngest I'm getting up there with the old folk. I'm seeing teens that I am completely suprised with.. I can't believe their younger than me. And this stirs up urgency in my soul.. my life is fading. My life is running out of time. I need to embrace him, I need to find him, I have to be altered by his gaze of grace. I can't just live in this state forever. My attitude had been so poor, I was envying everyone around me, I knew of God, but I didn't know what God felt about me, and I wouldn't give him that part of my heart. I wouldn't let him close.. I wouldn't let him love me directly, fully, I wouldn't let him hold my bare gross exposed heart. I just wouldn't do it, this made me independent.. it was stunting my ability to love my roommates, to love myself, to love him. Becuase I had put him soo far off. Last night was great break through.. He said " Don't move... I want to hold you..Don't Do.. I WANT to love you". This is a song I'm going to write for him, and hopefully when pple listen to this they won't strive they'll hold out their empty hands and receive what the father has for them.
My life is a wirlwind.. and I see things around me..
New Zealand.
Prayer.
NO WORKS, JUST INITMACY.
still ... empty.. bare.. real quite times.
family restoration.
Love abounding, my heart coming alive again..
homework and studying eventually being accomplished and hopefully a discipline forming within me.
20 YEARS.. 20 YEARS OF LIFE..o0 Jesus breath in me.
Missions.
Nursing.
Marriage.
Love.
keith green ministry..
new wine being released.
the love of the father being poured out.
learning how to pray.
More tattoos.. I'm not scared.
growing in love, and growing into the image of Christ.
Letting go of envy, self pity, covettness, and focusing less on myself and more on the beauty of Christ.
Prophetic written songs.
Salvations.
LOVE . HUMILITY. Let them define me. Form me into the image of your son Christ.
Favorite quote of the weekend...
"The way you get good at praying.. is your pray. The way you develope a deeper prayer life is you pray, just pray. There is no formula you just do it, you just pray."
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Eagerly Expect the promise! My skeptical heart on Revival and what Jesus says about it.
Jesus there is nothing better to look forward other than the fact that I expect you to come. If I fall short of expecting anything less, than I am in sin and faithless. I remember when you came and changed me for days.. and I remember feeling your presence drift away and I would do anything to keep holding onto it. But I remember it tangibly going away afer a few days, and I begged for it not to. And I tried to spend a lot of time with you in hopes that your presence would still be overflowing.. but I think I expected something to come next.. I started examing, caluculating, and thinking what this was and what it was looking like. And now next when you come and I know you will.. I'll just say Thank you, stay awhile.. dnt kill me but stay awhile. Holy spirit when you come THERE IS NO STRIFE. HOLY SPIRIT WHEN YOU COME THEIR ARE NO MEANS, NO PLANS, NO MANIPULATION.. YOUR PRESENCE OUT DOES ALL OF OUR MAN MADE PLANS, SCHEMES, OR SCHEDULES. HOLY SPIRIT WHEN YOU COME I DNT THINK ABOUT WHT I SHOULD BE DOING, WHAT ELSE I CAN DO, WHAT ELSE COMES NEXT, I JUST GET LOST IN A MOMENT OF ETERNITY. HOLY SPIRIT WHEN YOU COME THERE IS NO WORK TO DO, BUT IT'S LIKE A RIVER OVERFLOWING YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO SAY AND DO AND THERE IS NOTHING TO ADD ONTO THAT. HOLY SPIRIT WHEN YOU COME THERE IS NOTHING ELSE..
Holy spirit when you come.. I feel like I am truly born again that new life has come and I don't even remember what it was like before, I remember calling Jek and telling him I think I just got saved. Holy spirit when you come I dont think before I speak, I don't try to smile, I dnt try to give honor to my parents or boss.. It all is just done by your empowering spirit. When I try to manipulate you to stay.. I lose you. When I try to contain you with some thoughts I lose you.. when I try to monitor or mute you I lose you.. when I feed any ounce of fear or selfish ambition you flee. When I don't just sit and stay undone when I try to get up your gone. Holy spirit when you come and I know you will again... I won't do a thing..
Holy spirit please touch me again.. I know revival is coming.
And THAT IS SUCH A WEIRD THING FOR ME TO SAY! Because I was more concerned with my character, my discipline, my love.. but holy spirit fulfills all those things.. but he gets the COMPLETE GLORY FOR IT. We won't be able to say a thing or add anything onto what the holy spirit does.. we'll just sit back and give Glory to the Father. Jesus I'm starting to recall the true moments and tastes of revival that I've seen.. and I remember getting lost in a whirlwind but when I tried to figure it out you left, when I tried to name it and claim it or manipulate it you fleed. You WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH MAN MADE WISDOM. Because you are the promise of the Father you are NOT a step,a plan,an action,a wise decision, you are the fulfillment of what our abba promised. But holy spirit you are sensative.. and I don't want to grieve you this time. The spirit of this age has stolen so much but in a moment you restore soo much! and when you come THERE IS NOTHING ELSE. I keep feeling you say when I show up there is nothing else.. there is nothing else to look forward to, to plan for, it's the ultimate fulfillment of our soul. There is nothing else, I know when I tasted you I realised what real manna tasted like.. and now I'm hungry for more. And yes I love you and yes I know you.. but remember when the holy spirit was poured out you were LIKE IN THE ROOM WITH ME! YOU WERE LIKE FLOWING OUT OF MY MOUTH AND ON THE PHONE WHEN I TALKED TO PEOPLE AND IN THE KEYS OF MY COMPUTER.I seriously looked undone, and lovesick I remember now! You brought Complete revelation and I couldn't fathom going back to ingnorance.. when you come holy spirit everything else that we were doing before you came feels like complete ignorance not that we should by all means stop doing it. But we had put soo much emphasis on it.. and it became so impure.. but holy spirit when you come! Everything is like.. purifed! I remember that I felt the substance of real love, and true authenticity coming out of me and I remember it was pure. I didn't even have to wrestle with my thoughts, I didn't even have to repent for me heart, I didn't even have to try or strive, we just talked together non stop like it should be.. It was like all the sudden easy... Like you were all the sudden touching me and in the room with me and it was like pure bliss..
I want to go back to that moment.. I don't want you to flee..
I don't want to trade cop-out revelation for the divine ones that you show up with. I remember when the holy spirit showed me every impure thought and motive that I had in attempts of seeking him. And he left me with "YOU MUST COME TO ME WITH A PURE HEART" you must only want me, not even expecting him to solve our problems.. he already knows are problems better than we do. And like when the holy spirit comes he's better at praying for our problems and dealing with our problems than we are. Tonight the holy spirit came with a promise that HE WILL COME AGAIN! and I will in fact feel what I've felt agaian.
I've been wrestling with my heart about revival..
trying to wrap my carnal mind around it..
And really just being honest with the father about it and I basically was content with not having it because I had this whole mindset as a daughter not to expect or ask so much, not to be so forward and to be content with what I've been given. And to show Jesus that I'm really just seeking purity like trying to Just love or be humble. But then the Lord showed me that I was fearful.. and faithless.. and that I had this concept and mindset that he was a dad that could only afford to give me so little.. But he showed me that he is a father that is really rich and really full. And that he WANTS AND DESIRES to bring revival because he knows that in myself I cannot want him with a passion that blazes, I cannot want him with hunger, I cannot pant for him like the holy spirit does. And that if I asked the holy spirit would show up and I know and am now confident that he will come! I was once convinced that I was at dbc to focus on Preaching the Gospel I was going to keep it basic and just preach the Gospel and just be faithful in that. But now I see that I am in fact at DBC waiting on a promise.. waiting on a taste that will leave me wrecked and hungry for more the rest of my life. That will not only give way for me to preach the Gospel but will ACTUALLY empower me to preach the Gospel NOT JUST WITH AUTHORITY IN WHICH THE HOLY SPIRIT HAS GIVEN ME. But he will come and ACTUALLY save souls without any effort or strive on my part. I won't look for the words to say.. I want have to muster up the passion or the urgency, but I will be wounded and forever wrecked with it.
And NOW I'm here to say.. I am no longer afraid, skeptical, or hesitant about revival. I may still not fully understand it but this understanding I do have.. REVIVAL WILL LEAVE ME HUNGRY, AND THAT HUNGER WILL BRING GLORY TO JESUS THE REST OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SHAKE THE IMPACT IT HAS ON ME, AND THE URGENCY IT WILL PRESS ON MY SOUL. Now the Lord told me dnt stop doing what your doing.. you do your part and I'll do mine.
I am no longer content with just this but I'm this bold daughter marching into the throne room, going right up to my daddy and telling him "HEY! DAD! SEND YOUR PROMISE! SO THAT I CAN WANT YOU MORE!" And my Dad with all love in his eyes gives me this glance that promises the Holy spirit, and tells me to be patient. That I will see the promise come to pass, he wants me to be a faithful patient daughter, yet he wants me to be the MOST TRUSTING daughter that he's ever had. And so here I am TRUSTING THAT THE FATHER WILL COME IN A TANGIBLE WAY! AND I'M NOT LONGER CONTENT WITH SAYING THAT I NEED HIM IN A PRACTICAL WAY AND NOT A TANGIBLE WAY. Because once the holy spirit comes he will minister in such a way that is soo practical,real, and relevant to the people that he's ministering to.. the holy spirit can bring the Gospel in such a specific way to each soul, we can't even fathom.The holy spirit is soo detailed and so precise HE NEVER MISSED THE MARK. And we're in a cloud, but the holy spirit is like an arrow and he never misses. Jesus I have never been more sure.. there is just nothing more.. nothing more than you. What else can I hope for or live for or look forward to? Yea I'll keep doing what I'm doing being faithful at work, with my family, and with school.. but every minute there is NOTHING more precious and more beneficial than contenting for the holy spirit to come in such a way that he brings about such devine hunger, we will never be the same. And never shrink back into ignorance because we will have tasted a tangible living God, and father allow me to nurture the holy spirit when he comes because I know now he is sensative and I won't get in the way anymore, I'll just let him do what he wants and not even plan the affects or draw backs from it.
Holy spirit when you come.. I feel like I am truly born again that new life has come and I don't even remember what it was like before, I remember calling Jek and telling him I think I just got saved. Holy spirit when you come I dont think before I speak, I don't try to smile, I dnt try to give honor to my parents or boss.. It all is just done by your empowering spirit. When I try to manipulate you to stay.. I lose you. When I try to contain you with some thoughts I lose you.. when I try to monitor or mute you I lose you.. when I feed any ounce of fear or selfish ambition you flee. When I don't just sit and stay undone when I try to get up your gone. Holy spirit when you come and I know you will again... I won't do a thing..
Holy spirit please touch me again.. I know revival is coming.
And THAT IS SUCH A WEIRD THING FOR ME TO SAY! Because I was more concerned with my character, my discipline, my love.. but holy spirit fulfills all those things.. but he gets the COMPLETE GLORY FOR IT. We won't be able to say a thing or add anything onto what the holy spirit does.. we'll just sit back and give Glory to the Father. Jesus I'm starting to recall the true moments and tastes of revival that I've seen.. and I remember getting lost in a whirlwind but when I tried to figure it out you left, when I tried to name it and claim it or manipulate it you fleed. You WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH MAN MADE WISDOM. Because you are the promise of the Father you are NOT a step,a plan,an action,a wise decision, you are the fulfillment of what our abba promised. But holy spirit you are sensative.. and I don't want to grieve you this time. The spirit of this age has stolen so much but in a moment you restore soo much! and when you come THERE IS NOTHING ELSE. I keep feeling you say when I show up there is nothing else.. there is nothing else to look forward to, to plan for, it's the ultimate fulfillment of our soul. There is nothing else, I know when I tasted you I realised what real manna tasted like.. and now I'm hungry for more. And yes I love you and yes I know you.. but remember when the holy spirit was poured out you were LIKE IN THE ROOM WITH ME! YOU WERE LIKE FLOWING OUT OF MY MOUTH AND ON THE PHONE WHEN I TALKED TO PEOPLE AND IN THE KEYS OF MY COMPUTER.I seriously looked undone, and lovesick I remember now! You brought Complete revelation and I couldn't fathom going back to ingnorance.. when you come holy spirit everything else that we were doing before you came feels like complete ignorance not that we should by all means stop doing it. But we had put soo much emphasis on it.. and it became so impure.. but holy spirit when you come! Everything is like.. purifed! I remember that I felt the substance of real love, and true authenticity coming out of me and I remember it was pure. I didn't even have to wrestle with my thoughts, I didn't even have to repent for me heart, I didn't even have to try or strive, we just talked together non stop like it should be.. It was like all the sudden easy... Like you were all the sudden touching me and in the room with me and it was like pure bliss..
I want to go back to that moment.. I don't want you to flee..
I don't want to trade cop-out revelation for the divine ones that you show up with. I remember when the holy spirit showed me every impure thought and motive that I had in attempts of seeking him. And he left me with "YOU MUST COME TO ME WITH A PURE HEART" you must only want me, not even expecting him to solve our problems.. he already knows are problems better than we do. And like when the holy spirit comes he's better at praying for our problems and dealing with our problems than we are. Tonight the holy spirit came with a promise that HE WILL COME AGAIN! and I will in fact feel what I've felt agaian.
I've been wrestling with my heart about revival..
trying to wrap my carnal mind around it..
And really just being honest with the father about it and I basically was content with not having it because I had this whole mindset as a daughter not to expect or ask so much, not to be so forward and to be content with what I've been given. And to show Jesus that I'm really just seeking purity like trying to Just love or be humble. But then the Lord showed me that I was fearful.. and faithless.. and that I had this concept and mindset that he was a dad that could only afford to give me so little.. But he showed me that he is a father that is really rich and really full. And that he WANTS AND DESIRES to bring revival because he knows that in myself I cannot want him with a passion that blazes, I cannot want him with hunger, I cannot pant for him like the holy spirit does. And that if I asked the holy spirit would show up and I know and am now confident that he will come! I was once convinced that I was at dbc to focus on Preaching the Gospel I was going to keep it basic and just preach the Gospel and just be faithful in that. But now I see that I am in fact at DBC waiting on a promise.. waiting on a taste that will leave me wrecked and hungry for more the rest of my life. That will not only give way for me to preach the Gospel but will ACTUALLY empower me to preach the Gospel NOT JUST WITH AUTHORITY IN WHICH THE HOLY SPIRIT HAS GIVEN ME. But he will come and ACTUALLY save souls without any effort or strive on my part. I won't look for the words to say.. I want have to muster up the passion or the urgency, but I will be wounded and forever wrecked with it.
And NOW I'm here to say.. I am no longer afraid, skeptical, or hesitant about revival. I may still not fully understand it but this understanding I do have.. REVIVAL WILL LEAVE ME HUNGRY, AND THAT HUNGER WILL BRING GLORY TO JESUS THE REST OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SHAKE THE IMPACT IT HAS ON ME, AND THE URGENCY IT WILL PRESS ON MY SOUL. Now the Lord told me dnt stop doing what your doing.. you do your part and I'll do mine.
I am no longer content with just this but I'm this bold daughter marching into the throne room, going right up to my daddy and telling him "HEY! DAD! SEND YOUR PROMISE! SO THAT I CAN WANT YOU MORE!" And my Dad with all love in his eyes gives me this glance that promises the Holy spirit, and tells me to be patient. That I will see the promise come to pass, he wants me to be a faithful patient daughter, yet he wants me to be the MOST TRUSTING daughter that he's ever had. And so here I am TRUSTING THAT THE FATHER WILL COME IN A TANGIBLE WAY! AND I'M NOT LONGER CONTENT WITH SAYING THAT I NEED HIM IN A PRACTICAL WAY AND NOT A TANGIBLE WAY. Because once the holy spirit comes he will minister in such a way that is soo practical,real, and relevant to the people that he's ministering to.. the holy spirit can bring the Gospel in such a specific way to each soul, we can't even fathom.The holy spirit is soo detailed and so precise HE NEVER MISSED THE MARK. And we're in a cloud, but the holy spirit is like an arrow and he never misses. Jesus I have never been more sure.. there is just nothing more.. nothing more than you. What else can I hope for or live for or look forward to? Yea I'll keep doing what I'm doing being faithful at work, with my family, and with school.. but every minute there is NOTHING more precious and more beneficial than contenting for the holy spirit to come in such a way that he brings about such devine hunger, we will never be the same. And never shrink back into ignorance because we will have tasted a tangible living God, and father allow me to nurture the holy spirit when he comes because I know now he is sensative and I won't get in the way anymore, I'll just let him do what he wants and not even plan the affects or draw backs from it.
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