Trust him.

The best place to be is undone. Undone to his mercy, love and grace. His will is always better than ours, and it's a war that he doesn't mind fighting, so that we can be fully given over to him. Without hinderence, I want to be fully his, I have been tested and trialed, and I know more than anything that I just want him. When it comes down to it, I've detached myself from many things.. and have done what he's asked. It has been extremely difficult, to give up, and give in, and to realise that over and over again this world doesn't satisfy. But what a beautiful thing, that he cares enough for me, to sweep idols out of my life, to convict me, to pursue me, to refine me pure as gold. I keep wrestling with him over things, I keep wanting my heart to heal, and for him alone to satisfy the longings in my heart. But how can I allow him to heal, if I keep yielding to the desires of my heart. How can I be healed, if I don't trust him enough to heal the wound. I have to be patient and wait on him. I get this feeling in my soul, when I'm longing for something, when I'm yearning. Sometimes I'll want to spend money, or reflect on vanities. Or maybe sometimes I'll drive around thinking of what I'm doing next or who I'm hanging out with. Even though I've hung out with people non stop, and God gives me the words to speak when I'm fellowshipping with other believers and we rejoice in his love and revelation. But thats not the same as our time together one on one, God is soo good so gracious. To accept us, and to faithfully pursue us. I just wish I would yield to him more. It's been really good when I trust him, It's not pleasant at first, and sometimes I don't why he asks things of me, but in the end I really trust him to bring me through. I love him with all my heart, and soul. He is a good father, I promise.

In December he was faithful to to show me that If I go to the internship and trust him, He will free from a relationship, that was hard for me to end. He removed this from my life, so that this relationship wouldn't satisfy, but that I would return to Jesus for him to fully occupy my heart.

I love the girls that I lived with, my job, and the way my life was going. But I didn't have just him, so since I loved my life, my status, my friends more than him. He called me to the internship he removed the prop, the vanity out of my life. And I experienced him once again.

While we were called to do a fast at out internship, which is what we normally do. God told me that I could fast longer than the 3 days, and he removed the idolatry and the comfort of food in my life. He showed me that I didn't need it anymore, he revealed to me when I was lusting after food, and helped me cast down that thought. Because I was going to feed off of his love, and let him be my comfort. There is a lot more to fasting food that just hunger pains, we have an emotionaly attachment to food that satisfies us when were bored, wanting to socialize, food brings us comfort in more ways than we think. But we have to fully trust him.

Jesus helped free me from fear of man, I told him I wouldn't deny him one thing. I'm not perfect at this, but ultimately I trust his ways are better than mine. I preached the gospel, I approached people, and spoke the truth he gave me. He just wanted me to yield to obedience, and I don't mind humiliating my flesh, so that his glory and love might abound. I gave up my "place" in society to fully be his. And yield to the inclination to speak to whoever he wants me to.

I was idolizing a church a ministry that I loved going to. The pastor preached a message about idolatry and told us if we were called to be somewhere else we should be there, instead of being at his church.I remember weeping and crying, because of his love. But also because it was heart breaking to leave a church that I depended on to feed me. I remember crying, cuz I was amazed at his love for him to go out of his way and pursue me. To remove idols from my life, to convict me of idolizing man above him alone. I remember telling him at times God I'm so mad at you right now, but o man lord I love you. He's like a really concerned dad, and he's going to continue to guide and protect us. For him to be the center, our only main source of love.

Just fully delight and be satisfied in him. That is the only thing we can do, is to yield to his word, and ask and delight that he would speak it to us. To refine us, to convict us, for us to be led and developed in truth and love.

I will have to write more about my trip to Kansas City, also the ministry I led in Dallas. I promise I will update about this, but for now. I just need to spend some time with him.