(Whole) (Hearted)

Jesus today my mind was elsewhere I'm starting to really think about that verse keep every thought captive, I'm pretty sure that there were lies of the enemy I was meditating on, and I'm sure the only reason I meditated on them is because I didn't slay them with the word of G-d and in my wicked heart I believed there to be truth in the lie.. in which there is. But just like a little poop in the brownie can make the whole brownie disgusting.. so there may be some truth in the lie it is still a lie. And what does Godliness have to do with worldliness? or light with darkness? or idols with God's temple? 2 Corinth 6:14-16 IN THE NAME OF JESUS CAST DOWN THE IDOLATRIES IN MY HEART. The wrong mindsets, the wrong attitude, my independentness my trust in this dumb worldly gain. How I long to be whole heartedly yours, fully and completely. I want to go through an act of consecration, I MUST go through some consecration.Today I saw some lesbians outside of Starbucks I thought to myself I should talk to them, I love them and want to get to know them, I want to talk to them about Jesus, I want us to be friends. However I didn't say a word.. that's not whole heartedness right there, earlier today I went to work out but I didn't get to do the running part of my work out and however I convinced myself that I would do it later but I didn't, again.. not fully being whole hearted in that. Today I longed to pray when I got home and just mourn and become one with your holy spirit yet I said a prayer and then watched Dr.Phil and Oprah.. seriously? What was that? I don't think I've watched t.v in ages but somehow those shows get to me. I took a long nap and probably took forever to get ready to go to starbucks and even then getting into your word was hard to do. Father I can't have compromise, I just can't have it. I think a lot about my facebook and how it feels like I just go on to check it and yet spend an hour on it, which in itself is not bad. But I think that I long for some sort of human connection, affirmation, and approval. I think I see the careless ways of my highschool friends and a part of my heart still wishes and maybe longs to be there. Even though your word says not to envy the wicked for they will have there day of judgement and justice will be established upon the earth. Father I was listening to a sermon that your daughter preached about being whole hearted, it was pretty legit.. I think that in my mind I romatisize the past and maybe wait for the future.. but what if the future doesn't come? Our life is like grass here today gone tomorrow, all is fading. And I can't just keep riding on the encounter that I had days ago I have to have one TODAY especially alone in the secret place. She also talked about how we sometimes say "well if only I get married, or if I only make this change or that change, or become this way or that way, or fast or give up things.. or whatever then maybe I'll be the type of christian I want to be". But that's not what I want to live by anymore, I can't wait for saturday nights to evangelize, I can't wait for the prayer meeting to pray, I can't wait for the prayer room, I can't wait till I feel comfortable, I can't wait till I feel compelled, the only thing I can do is pray NOW, and ask for your holy spirit NOW. In THIS VERY HOUR, release your SPIRIT! release the boldness of the righteous, release urgency, and steadfastness. Father in my mind and in my heart I make lots of lists.. o0o man I'm the queen of lists, and making plans I REALLY like to dream about the future and figure out ways to make things happen. I love to fantasize about things, I'm a visionary, it's the way you made me I wasn't always great at the whole "here and now thing". And it's hard to train myself to be different I long to walk with your spirit, like daily, min by min led by you. I dnt want to be carnal I want to be yours. But my thoughts take me to a place if only.. and what if.. and next week.. next month.. next year.. I'm 19.. how long must I have on this earth? I just want a few simple rules to live by..
One being I want to be whole hearted now and in Everything! I WANT to die daily when it doesn't seem like a big spiritual cross I WANT to die to the small things, I want to be relevant to you Jesus all the time. I don't really want to step outside of my spirit man anymore..
Second I want to pray unceasingly, I want urgency to consume me, I also long to communicate with you constantly, you must take over my heart. I want to want to die daily, for the joy set before me I want to be with you one day, and I want to do this whole earth thing WITH YOU! It's my season in this side of life and I don't get another chance at it. I don't want to get to eternity and regret not letting your name be Glorified.
Third I want to be a servant of all in the small things, I want you to be Glorified I don't want to seperate spiriutal things from mundane things, I want to bring you into everything. I don't want to be so consumed with spiritual things I forget the most important and that is to serve my brother and sister and to love you whole heartedly in everything. I want to be whole hearted in my thoughts, relationships, and in everything. Can you come tonight and seal these things in my heart??
Dad I don't want to waste the time you've given me, I don't want to waste my thoughts, the money you've given me, this life you so abundantly bless me with, the people in my life, I'm sincerely lost without the holy spirit so send your comforter so that I may walk with the holy spirit and have eyes to see and ears to hear what he's saying. Fulfill the promises you've placed in my heart, I want to love and live like the man that I HAVE a HUGE crush on , the one that I'm longing for attention, affection, and approval from is watching all the time. And that's you Jesus I want to impress you, make you blush, and suprise you with my obedience. Father your son Keith says "obedience is better than sacrifice" kinda of reminds me of
1 Corinth 13
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing".

Lord if I fast yet don't die to my flesh daily and love whole heartedly then what good is the fast? It kind of reminds me of Isaiah 58

3 'Why have we fasted,' they say,

'and you have not seen it?

Why have we humbled ourselves,

and you have not noticed?'



'Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please

and exploit all your workers.

4 Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,

and in striking each other with wicked fists.

You cannot fast as you do today

and expect your voice to be heard on high.

5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,

only a day for a man to humble himself?

Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed

and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?

Is that what you call a fast,

a day acceptable to the LORD ?



6 'Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:

to loose the chains of injustice

and untie the cords of the yoke,

to set the oppressed free

and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry

and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter-

when you see the naked, to clothe him,

and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,

and your healing will quickly appear;

then your righteousness [a] will go before you,

and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;

you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.


There's a pattern here.. WE can't do kingdom things! are righteousness is dung in his sight, it's poop.. see our foundation has to be one of complete brokeness, and dependency on the father, a foundation of repentence. John said it perfectly when he rebuked the pharisees and asked them who said you could escape God's judgement? He told them to repent and produce fruit consistent with repentance. They produced lots of fruit but was it consistent with repentence? Man looking at their fruit we might say that the pharisees loved God but God doesn't look at what man looks at, his ways are higher than ours, he's not like us. We can just be holy by doing holy things, we just can be righteous by imitating it, the holy spirit has to do it. The holy spirit has to lead us, the holy spirit has to break down our pride and make a foundation of repentence, our righteous works have to be produced out of a heart of love sickness for our abba father. But JESUS why use me for I am just a women of unclean lips? And i dwell among those of unlcean lips, but if you ask who will you send? Well JESUS I'll respond I'll be your girl I'll try to be whole hearted because I've been really vain about pursuing righteousness. I don't just want righteousness for righteous sake but abba Dad I want it to be about you.. but when I look at my heart the secret place of my own heart I know that I don't love you as much as I want to...
I see the filthiness in my heart, every impure motive, every habitual good work, every faithless prayer, every time my heart is hardened towards your voice, every time I love my money and I love my time, every time I resist your still quite invitation into the quite place, every time I speak and my words are tainted with bitterness, strife, or envy, you see it all Jesus. And you see this girl that has little faith, little love, and little purity in my pursuit of holiness. You see it all and I can't believe you still love me! I'm still really undone by that, and I'm aksing you Jesus I need help with this whole christian thing, I'm getting to the point of being right there with Moses when he said I'm not going on without you. I think I don't want to do this whole promise land thing without you. I want to walk with you I want you to be my Dad, I don't want to reach the height of something righteous or holy without you. I don't want to lose the point, the means, and the way with this whole walk. I want to be whole hearted, humbled, a servant like you. I want to be like you when I grow up Jesus! You did everything for your father and it was all about your father. Jesus you see all my thoughts .. o0o how they wonder, look how they are majoritively on other things, mostly vain they are focused on how i'm going to make it in this world and make a name for myself in this world when I'm supposed to die to this world. Jesus my thoughts are like a white washed tomb! I want to look so beautiful on the outside, so put together, so holy, so righteous, so right on, so graceful, but Lord I think it would be better if I looked like the cracked out drug addict on the corner of the street. Becuase that cracked out drug addict image would be a more true potrayel of my heart than anything else. I really ugly on the inside, let me not decieve anyone! My heart is deceitfully wicked and without you doing the work the workers labor in vain. And without you walking with me and dwelling inside of me I cannot produce any fruit and these limbs will be thrown into the lake of fire this I KNOW.Actually I'm a lot like Judas in a way Jesus sometimes I use you for selfish gain, to look good, that's why I NEED you to humble me all the time. Because I'm just like Judas I'll walk with you, talk to you, handle your money, let you touch my feet, I'll even kiss you... but my heart can be sooo far from you! I can use you to become someone, and in the end lose you completely! My pride will cause me to fall Lord Jesus that's why I'm desperately asking you to make me whole hearted, I want everything to be about you and for you. I want to pray unceasingly not because I'm a righteous prayer warrior but because my heart is so prone to wonder, more than anyone elses. And often I even think I am someone, and that you love me more, and that I'm more spiritual than other pple, but Jesus you know the truth I am only a fool for you, and I will continually be made out to be a fool for you and you alone!
1 Corinth 3:13-13"Every man's work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man's work of what sort it is. "

18 Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you seems to be wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, “He catches the wise in their own craftiness”;[a] 20 and again, “The LORD knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are futile.”[

Father let me always be soo foolish and lovesick for you! And if you ever sober me up let it not be for the sake of pleasing man and trying to impress man like I so like to do, but let it be for the act of pleasing man and being all things to all man for the sake of winning their souls for your Glory!

2 Corinth 5:13 "For if we are besides ourselves, it is for the God; or if we are of sound mind it is for you".



O0o Jesus please come and purify me, do what only you can do.. I don't want to boast in the holy things, I don't want to boast in the outpouring of your spirit, I want to boast first and foremost that my name is written in the book of life. Father respond to me tonight. Seal some things in my heart, let me die daily abba. I love you. I'm just asking for a pure heart, to be all there and not elsewhere. I want to be all there wherever you put me, not going elsewhere in my mind.Not out in some other spiritual prideful place. I want to be a servant of all.

"My child, forsake yourself and you shall find Me.Follow no choice of your own, allow yourself no self-seeking, and you will be always growing rich.For fresh grace will be poured into your soul whenever you yield yourself to Me as a gift never to be withdrawn. But how often, O Lord, must I give myself up, in what things must I deny myself? Always and at every hour, in little things and in great alike. I make no exception; I wish you to be found free from self in everything. How else can you be Mine and I be yours, unless you are utterly stripped of your own will? The sooner you do this, the better it will be for you; and the more fully and sincerely you do it, the more you will please Me and profit yourself." -Imitation of Christ.

Father let this blog even be only for the edifying of my own soul, for the building up of the church, and for the Glory of your cross! Amen.