O0o How you LOVE US!

We pray that we will only be the Lord's we pray for him to protect our hearts, and to remove the vanities, pleasures, and conceit that tempts our hearts away from the Lord's loving embrace. We pray and seek and say Jesus "I want to WANT you".. my heart is wicked! Deceitful! who can trust it? My heart even will condemn me like it says in Romans but you do not condemn.. my heart is yours yet your word says that our flesh lust against the spirit. My heart is torn.. for it is like Paul desiring to fully live out and engage itself in the Lord yet frustrated that he did the very things he longed not to do.. for the vanities in circle around us causing us to be distracted. Like a wirlwind in our thoughts.. it comes crashing through our daily devotional prayers, it comes sweeping through our sweet glances at the Lord, it comes and interupts our prayer life that our friend and mentor brother Lawrence faught so viciously to establish. It comes and it brings the bait.. that we would like to take a bite out of..the very bait we would like to be tempted with. For satan knows that the out right plain sin won't hook you, but it's the secret stuff he's after.. he's after your heart. Satan knows if he can pull a string at your heart, a string that you always knew was still there, yet it had been ignored for so long you thought surely that string is surely gone, surely satan cannot tug on that. Yet he sneaks up on you, and he pulls a part of your heart, a string of desire.. you wish you didn't have. You condemn yourself your heart screams! Crucify! You stand condemned! You are grieving the holy spirit! You fake! How can you Love the lord when you secretly desire for that string to be pulled so that you can take a big juicy bite out of the very sin you so long ignored. See after all that time you might've fought so hard to tuck away that loose end, to ignore it, to hide it,yet it's still etached to your heart, it still carries a weight that so easily entangles your desire to please G-d and your Desire for your flesh to have it's way.
The heart is deceitfully wicked who can know it? You scream out ABBA! I DON'T WANT TO SHOW YOU THIS.. BUT HERE IT IS.. LORD WHY IS SATAN PULLING ON THIS STRING?! I CAN'T BEAR IT ANY LONGER! I want to be with you but he's tempting me with the very bait that my desire is longing for... the Lord looks at you with kindness in his eyes, and he says beloved.. I can't help you. But Lord why! this string is a desire that is linked to the very heart I want you to be Lord over! Please just wave your wand and let it be done..make me a righteous women/man.. NOW .. GO..COME ON HOLY SPIRIT. But the Father shakes his head, "No, Beloved.. I can't see you only want me to fix it so you don't fall into sin.. like you desire to, I can't fix what you don't secretly want yourself."

I look at him dumb struck.. but Abba you mean to tell me you care more about my desires, than it reaping into actual full blown sin? He replies "Yes Beloved, I want your heart, I want that desire, I want that string that you tucked away.. what do you think the sermon on the mount was about? You think I called the righteous? No I called the sick.. I'm going to the very core of that beloved wicked heart I love soo much, and It may even take years.. and that's ok. But I don't just want to make you "Not sin" I want to change your DESIRE. For I am jelous.. of your AFFECTIONS!

I hear a sound that is like rushing waves, echoed over a mulititude.. My AFFECTIONS! MY DESIRE! Before he even looks at my sin, he sees my heart.. he sees the very root of all this flesh. And just like the game operation he is very careful, and gentle with dealing with my heart, it takes small steps, I trust him a little bit and the string that entangles my hearts motives, affections, and actions is slowly being untangled by my beloved. I'm struggling and I'm praying that my desire would be him and him alone, and just like any Desire I tenderly feed the passion for my Yeshua instead of feeding it by letting satan pull at it and tempt me with situations. The Lord is breaking ground with this desire.. you see I never thought he could go to that place in my heart, yet he is marching out with boldness and zeal to conquer and lay hold of a spot in my heart I was too embarrased to ever show him. See my heart condemned me but the holy spirit says " Ok.. yea.. that spot, I want that.. let's take it over, I like it, " and G-d replies "ok let's do this, I got it I'm the alpha and Omega whatever it takes I have all of eternity." And Yeshua replies I can only give my precious blood, I'm jelous for her, she's my bride I have to have that very last string of her heart, it's been pulled at by another lover for far too long and it's making her sick.O it will be painful for this string is in knots,but every time you feel a tug and a painful sensation that is my jelousy over your heart. Every time you let me have more control over this open wound the more benefit you will harvest in the future. It'll take a long time beloved but I am patient and kind, slow to anger and abounding in love. I am truth and truth doesn't come easy, but let me take a look at your heart, let me take my time and I'll win it over. For it is mine.. The triune G-d in unisone goes after my heart, they're pursuing this issue, I wasted so much time, spent so much energy and fed so much of my affections for towards this other lover, that it will take the father a lot of time, and it will take me a lot of time at my beloveds feet, feeding the desire, letting him have the string, renewing the oil for him to fully have dominion. The Lord doesn't like to just do away with things.. for he has limited himself, so that he can have more intimate time with us he likes to make things raw and real. Ever think about how real, raw, and honest that cross was? He told me that we do this together, and he's not giving up on me.. at the end of the day abba you have your gain! One step at a time...I surrender all my heart strings!

Your Beloved
Brooke

I need to get into the WORD.

Jesus I need to get into your word. I think your showing me a lot lately, my heart and soul have been wondering like a fly to a light zapper my heart has been floating towards other lovers. Old thoughts, old dreams, past and present anticipations are killing me.
Yet you are leading me, you are leading me to a life that is less about me and more about you.Everytime I want to do things that will be more so about me, you stop me and you lead me else where.. you are taking care of me. And I love to remain on the path of righteousness, I hate evil and everything of this world.. I hate it because it seperates my heart from you. My spirit is grieved when it is seperated from you beloved.. so I won't lie to myself, I won't tell myself I'm not that foolish kid that needs to be so desperately saved and redeemed again. Because I do.. even more so now thatn ever before, so what that means is that I'll keep this wellspring of life, this heart that flows the very songs, melodies, thoughts, yearnings, and living water gaurded like a garden that is enclosed it will be yours to delight in no one elses. Protect my heart till your return, let your bride be awakened, anticipated with all the oil and intimacy that she could possibly muster up, and anxiously waiting for her beloveds return.

I'm excited that you have stepped in and taken control of my life, everytime you take a step to tear away an Idol, to grieve my flesh my putting a stop to it's sinful desire, I say thank you Jesus! For caring enough.. for being jelous for me, for loving me enough to be blunt and unapologetic when it comes to my life with you.. our life. We must protect this love that we have, for we are married to one antoher, gaurd my heart, as I protect and carry your Honor.

I don't have to go to a conference to meet with you, lets make it more intimate THIS year, I'll skip out on the conference I'll surrender my ideals, plans, and schemes .. I know this is of you. Because your protecting and gaurding my heart. And lets meet together and start this year off in a more intimate one on one thing together. Love you..

I love you beloved.

I'm so confused.

I know I'm confused because I've been letting my thoughts wonder, for the Lord doesn't let the little birds go hungry, but at the same time he's telling me ok little bird.. you will know but not now. I don't do well with suprises, I'm not a very patient person. I want to know the direction my life is heading.. Will I live a life of practicality? Or will I be poor, and live radically? I say both.. I want to live like Keith Green and His Wife Melody Green did. I want to live like John the babtist, but I feel as if too many things are holding me down.

Father I committ everything to you.. this may sound like ramblings. But I'm just going to go ahead and keep typing because Jesus this is for you. I don't know what tommorrow holds, I don't even know about today or the very next hour. All I know is this.. THIS WORLD HAS NOTHING FOR ME, I ONLY WANT YOU. I'm pretty confident in your love for me, I know I am I can throw a big amount of dough towards your kingdom and bless your heart without worrying about gas money because you provide! I can be a witness of your love and your word without worries of what people might think.. All I want is you.. I don't need to chase after any other lovers. You are mine and I am yours.. I don't need a facebook/myspace profile to dress up and represent my true nature to you. You see every fiber and every dirty little thought, and evil secret place my heart can wonder, and you love me still the same. I AM ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITHOUT YOU. I'm not going to worry about this coming age.. father that is not kingdom like to worry, to plan out, to scheme, to arrange.. to manipulate my future to be safe for me. Father my future won't be safe you said I'll undergo hardships but to not lose heart because you've conquered the world, you said people would hate me.. do you promise? Because I keep thinking that I'm getting swept up with the flattery of life and the pride of my dirty flesh and it would be a lot more easier for me to enjoy you if people just hated me. Then It would be granted to me! Like paul says... to suffer with you! I'm sick of all my vanities, and all my vain attempts to use you to get what I want and then losing you.. to whome my soul pants and groans for. Father I am very weak, like a hungry broken child. I am very hungry and my soul is very much longing for you. Not some imperfect people, to talk to about my imperfect life, Jesus I need you! My life is moving way too fast.. I want your kingdom and I want it with purity! Father I think I've been seeking your kingdom, but I think I might often wonder away from the whole pure at heart thing.. YEA THAT'S A HUGE THING I NEED TO GET A HOLD OF! But my heart is too selfish, and it's this nasty disease I don't know how to fix... all I can say is the spirit and bride say come! Please come back and clean your bride, please help her get that oil.. because she's too flaky and too caught up in life and she doesn't count the cost. She doesn't sit there and cry and worry about the cost, but she counts the cost like a builder who's about to build a house. Well father I need you to labour, or else I labour in vain! I am weak... and TIRED. And selfish and frankly really sick of myself to want your kingdom as bad as you do. So if you could Jesus just take back your kingdom by force, and turn me into a forceful women in prayer and intercession that actually gives a two cents about waht you think.. and where you heart lies.. Because you know where my heart lies.. it is decietfully WICKED, WHO CAN TRUST IT? SO that's where my heart stands Jesus! It's wicked.. and I can't trust my own heart, so I'm asking you to intrust your nature your holy spirit to inhabit me.. because I'm sicking of seeking your kingdom my own way... I think your way is faster, and more enjoyable, I'm going to TRUST that your burden is light.. and I just need to fix my gaze on the beauty of your face, and stay fixated on the race you've set out for me. Don't let my soul be down cast! You said awake! And pray that you may resist temptation!

Father I ask that I can resist temptation..I am nothing without you! I need help..please do some damage control with this filthy heart and let your spirit it dowse it.. it needs you.. really it does. Bless my heart all over again Jesus!


STILL YOUR BELOVED DAUGHTER, AND FRIEND THAT YOU CAN TRUST AND CONFIDE IN
Brooke

Say goodbye to my father and mother.

will waste my life,
I'll be tested and tried.
With no regrets inside of me,
Just to find I'm at your feet,
Let me find I'm at your feet.

I leave my father's house, and
I leave my Mother.
I leave all I have known, and
I'll have no other.

For I am in love with you,
and there is no cost.
I am in love with you,
and there is no loss.
I am in love with you,
I want to take your name.
I am in love with you,
I want to cling to you, Jesus,
Just let me cling to you, Jesus.

I say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I turn my back on every other lover, and I
Press on, yes I press on.
I say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I turn my back on every other lover, and I press on, yes I press on.

For I am in love with you,
and there is no cost.
I am in love with you,
and there is no loss.
I am in love with you,
I want to take your name.
I am in love with you,
I want to cling to you, Jesus,
just let me cling to you, Jesus,
I want to cling to you...

Father I'm listening to Misty Edwards sing about wasting her life, o0o father this song is so sweet. I just want to follow you whole heartedly, I don't care if I ever get married. If I ever have a name for myself, if I ever have a career or place to call my own, abba just let me be great in the secret place.I want you to recognize me as a frequent member in your temple before your throne, father I want you to count on me before your throne loving on your face. Father I am so lovesick when are you coming? Remember I get the place at your feet, remember? I'm going to be the one gazing at your face for all of eternity front row, that's where I'll be. Jesus to bring you pleasure is our greatest desire, find delight in our souls Jesus wash my soul from the selfishness. I trust in you, sweet abba. Bring peace to my soul, it's groaning for you yet weighed down by the pressures, expectations, and demands of life. Yet I will run away with my beloved, letting go of everything else I cling to the cross.. I grip that wooden rough cross and I won't let go. O0o father I call to you by name.. recognize your beloved..

The Honor Academy Christ's Humility.

Before I came here I had eyes for the kingdom the Lord has always stirred up so much vision within me, sometimes that's dangerous because I don't focus on what is at hand because I have an old soul that is longing for eternity. Before I came here living with the girls and across the street from the guys, and having our prayer room. And my humanitarian efforts to save the world in my own strength and putting Christs label on it through my vain ambitions. I wanted the kingdom on earth but I never had a taste of it, so I didn't know how to incorporate it into the ministry I was trying to muster up. I wanted to have humility and love, but I didn't understand what it meant to have a heart of repentence. I truly came to understand this during the fasting LTE, the heart of repentence the heart of humility, for God's Glory. The Lord will NEVER EVER use the proud, he detests them, and he will never be used in a great magnitude if you never plead with him to come in a great magnitude. I relied on my own heart that was weak and lacked love yet I wanted this fallen broken world to experience the Love of God.


The Honor Academy instilled some small priniciples and put them under the magnifying glass that the Lord looks at them under. I put a hault to my prideful heart, that wanted big things, and I started to pay attention to the small things that would be done in secret and honor God in a big way. I'm trying to articulate the little things that I overlooked in the past, I ran off some spiritual high and had zeal that was misguided, misplaced, and wreckless in it's expression. The Lord humbled me just like he came with humility spoke in parables to the people, and I understood kingdom things in a practical every day way.I was thinking how can I articulate this and I came up with this as I was contemplating I thought,

Maybe the fullness of the depths of God are found in the simple characteristics, principles, and honor that one contains with excellence for a higher Glory than their own. As simple as they are, the fullness of God dwells in the small things that are not too small for Jesus to cover with his blood, so that we may be found with the very character that reflects the thorough sufficiency of Jesus Christs humility.

I know I can word it better.. but for now that conveys that we can grasp the hand of eternity, vision, and the kingdom by the small submissions that we give to God in the work place, in relationships, in responsibilities, and words and actions by every little thing we do every time we turn to God we're saying Lord I can't do this one small thing, and can't possess this one small characteristic without your grace and love. I am coming to you in humility and say abba I need you in this because I am not too proud to give you the small things in my life that I used to think I could surely conquer on my own. As you have it, I realise that these small things are to be lifted up for your Glory. I have become completely humbled, and insufficient without your blood Lord Jesus!

You lure me.

Other people seek my attention, Jesus you are in them and they love you. Father it would be self righteousness of me to deny time with them, this is where you are when two people commune and conversate you are in the midst of a connection. Father it would be for your Glory that I embrace your people, Jesus teach me how to have the grace to be in this world but not of it. Father I pray that you would consecrate me an alien, father I know the image of the person you are calling me to be. I almost know what she looks like, what she runs after, and how she is uncompromsing and unyielding. Her focus and vision are unrelenting she has eternal eyes to look for her beloved, her soul pants as she anticipates your coming. Her life is the bridegroom fast and she won't stop till you have it all, she may fall but it is only for your Glory that she comes to that place of humility. It is only by your Grace that I reach that place of triumph over self, I left sin a long time ago repenting and now I'm trying to throw off everything hinders love, everything that entangles me. Father those small pleasures, that idle time, that sleep, that coffee, that fellowship, you are mine and I am yours. Their will always be something I'm missing out on of this world by seeking you, but faith is being sure of what we don't see. Father give me grace I need FAITH to know that everytime I turn away from something temporal because of you I'm grasping for something in the heavens. A tighter grasp of your hand. Father I do not love when I fast, I'm irritated when I fast, I'm grumpy, tired, and weak that is my soul nature but it is propped up by other things to really realise it's depravity. Father I want to Fast for love, for a love that is strong, a love that is your love so I'm not loving people when I'm feeling fine but your love is breaking through despite my weaknesses. Father keep a gaurd over my mouth, Lord stir up lovesickness in me. Jesus let me experience the pull from worldly things, let me experience the starvation of instant pleasure, father I delight myself in you so feed me honey from your lips scripture that I can hide in my heart. To fast for you, is a calling to abandon all and count it as loss. You can have my body, my time, my energy, my love, my comfort, father you can have my body I will surely not DIE but be strengthened in my inner man on account of your Glory and Goodness. You are a good father, and what you ask of us is only for our benefit that we would truly know you as our creator in your fullness. Father that we wouldn't be content with a faint foggy image of you, a golden calf in replace of you and your Glory, but father let us have eyes to see you as you are. Paul says that it granted to us that we may suffer as you suffered, well father I want a piece of that Glory. Let me not despise sacrifice, father to despise sacrifice is demonic, father let me take joy and delight in sacrifice. Lure me into your garden, your sanctuary, so that I may see your face. Let the holy spirit come upon me giving me grace to do your will and not my own. Let me be wrecked by the vision of what you have for me.. father and let me forget my body, my hunger, myself, my selfishness, my nature, my time, my friends, and family in the process. That when I pick back up what you've given me like my friends and family they would be rightly yours and I would treat them as you treat them not by my own strength but by the power of your spirit.

Father I'm fasting to see your love break through, so that I know your love is more powerful than my emotions, my body, my strength, my temperment, my personality, if your love breaks through I'll see sacrifice, I'll selflessness as I reach out to people it'll be you. I want to fast to see your strength in my WEAKNESS. Father I am failing yet you will answer me, I'll keep asking, and seeking you in this. Until I obtain it, I will keep my eyes focused, and though I may fall 70x7 I will be called righteous because I GET BACK UP.


your beloved
Brooke

Jesus I'll keep fighting!

Jesus the battle is strong, I start to get careless, I start to think about now instead of eternal things I cling to those other lovers because theirs lonliness in my heart, I long for you, but the more I want of you the more I come to the realization how little I have of you.
Jesus I want to sing you a love song,
I want to come in your loving arms and let all these other responsibilities fade away, Today I was thinking you are soo much sweeter than the sweetest of food. And that I wanted you, but then I allowed myself to become weak again and ended my fast.
I realised what a heart connection I have with other things.. other idolatries, it's not that it's food, it's not that it's coffee, or memories of a boy, or time with friends, it's really that I turn to those other things instead of fully delighting myself in you first. Father I love your love! As deep calls unto deep, affirm in me that the one thing I truly desire is to gaze upon the beauty of your face and dwell in your temple all the days of my life pslm 27:4. Is this is the true heart beat of being love sick, than take me there. I am weak but I'll continue to see to fast, not earn your favor but to SEE it and KNOW it. I can't see the deepness of something looking on the outside of it, I must plunge myself into the deepness of the deepness of the sea. And really engage myself into the fathers love..
But just like the builder counts the cost.. what will it cost?
Will cost a few social memories?
Will it cost a good conversation and a good cup of coffee?
Will it cost the material possesions that I like to gloat over?
Will it cost my time? My energy?
Will it cost my pride? Will it cost my RIGHTS to have what I want when I want it?
just like the laborer counts the cost before he builds the house, I count and see what is the worth of going deeper with my beloved.. I say I'll give him my all, Jesus beloved and everything! But I can't see how to let loose my hands to let go of the idolatries of my heart. The Lord will come back and bring everything under judgement every good and evil thought, he will know those places of my heart that are still not fully his. Father I say again Jesus I lack.. I'm not going to look the other way anymore I lack intimacy. Father take back my heart from the other lover, the lover I gave myself to, and you can have it back. And we'll be married together forever, not caring if my physical life ever brings much physical fruit. But I want to sow things in the spiritual relms, I want to sow intimacy and communion with you. You can have my earthly blessings.. I'm setting my gaze for the kingdom. Have my heart I will seek no other.. until you obtain it and retain it I will not stop asking.

Jesus I've felt like I want to do something crazy for you.. you know I'm crazy about you but I must consecrate myself in a deeper way not because I have to but another way of showing you my love.. it is my desire for this love to be at your feet poured out on your feet. I give you my tears my repentance of a heart that was so careless with it's affections, I want to give all my affections to you. Mary cried because she can't believed that she wasted her life not pouring out her affections and gazing at your beauty all the days that she lived, and then when she finally did. She realised what beauty was, she realised this is what her soul panted for, she realised that this precious perfume was nothing if it wasn't poured out on your beauty. Well this precious heart and it's affections mean nothing, if I don't pour them out on you. My soul was meant for you, yet I have been keeping it and occupying it with other things, other lovers, but now I want you to just embrace it. So that for you glory the fragrance that Paul talked about would be recognized by you when we do street ministry, when we embrace your people, when they see your heart, and are led back to repentance this is my desire. I lovvee youuuuuu


I pray that you would help me keep up the fight, stir up urgency and a focus and vision of your face, that my soul would not rest until I obtained your fullness. Father I pray that each time I say no, each little heart ache that I suffer each little sacrifice would be a beautiful fragrance in heaven of the love that you not only deserve .. but your REQUIRE. Forgive me Jesus for never wasting my life, my affections, time, and love at your feet. Now that I turn back to repentance it's so hard for me to be fully yours again, please help me I am not used to you having so much of me. Father let me just dive into you, without regret, without question.. wrecklessly I let go of everything and let you overcome me with an embrace.

Jesus Jesus Jesus.

Look How Weak I am!

Everytime I go to write something profound, something great, I stop. All I can say right now is that I desperately need Jesus just as much as when I started the internship, maybe even more. My heart is so wicked I don't know how to stop it's evil desires, just maybe to start fasting from these different heart idolatries I have. I just see Jesus himself heart broken over the things that are keeping me from him, their are still parts of my heart that aren't fully his, and I want him to invade those places. I'm so love sick right now.. but I can't turn to other lovers. I have to turn to him. I need his strength right now I just want his sweet warm embrace all over again. I just need him, I just want to keep saying Jesus I lack. Lord I lack your love, I'm in lack.. 24/7 their must be more. I must witness the sweetness of having you to the fullness. But this sweetness does not come without sacrifice. I'm at that familiar place again, afraid of the sacrifice that will lead me into the arms of Jesus. I'm scared of letting go of the things that I no longer can manipulate anymore, my heart and soul long for God. I know through experience I can't settle for anything else, but he's looking at me heart broken. And we're at a stand still, tears in his eyes I just want to hold him, but these comforts, these desires, these things still occupy my heart. What would it look like for him to have it all? What would that dependence look like? All my friends and things are occupying so much of my time lately, I just want to break from this and hide away with him. I know the enemy is coming with an attack, a temptation, one of my hearts strongholds, and even though I can resist I must conquer. The only way I can fully conquer and trample the enemy underfoot is to fall deeply in love with Jesus, but it doesn't quite happen so easily. I have to advance his kingdom forcefully and it burns me and it hurts, it isolates me, and makes me face my own frustrations, to be given over fully to him seems more painful at the time than not having him. But I can't go on any longer not having more of him, these places in my heart must let go of the old things and grasp Jesus now, my heart is still so weak in those areas and I have to surrender. It's not uncomfortable to go to the wilderness, I hate the wilderness the bitter cold, the isolation, the starvation, but I can't bare to see the tears in Jesus eyes knowing that he wants to hold me. But their are things stuck on me, that I can't get off, their are emotions that I still cling to and WILL fall into under the right circumstances. Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus, how sweet is our savior. But Jesus even now save me from myself.. take me to the wilderness I must have you! No talking, No eating, no idle time, I give these small pleasures up to feast on you. My heart has been tugging towards another lover, and I see your eyes and I'm heart broken, we are at a stand still. But I can't go back that way again, the only way to resist it is to grasp a deeper level of love with you that is the only way. Mediocrity will not fight this temptation, complacency in our relationship will not help my heart overcome this temptation. I must have you but I can't grasp you if my arms are full of other lovers, other idolatries, other things. Jesus Jesus Jesus I need prayer! I love you! Intercede for me, I NEED YOU!

Your daughter Brooke