Everytime I go to write something profound, something great, I stop. All I can say right now is that I desperately need Jesus just as much as when I started the internship, maybe even more. My heart is so wicked I don't know how to stop it's evil desires, just maybe to start fasting from these different heart idolatries I have. I just see Jesus himself heart broken over the things that are keeping me from him, their are still parts of my heart that aren't fully his, and I want him to invade those places. I'm so love sick right now.. but I can't turn to other lovers. I have to turn to him. I need his strength right now I just want his sweet warm embrace all over again. I just need him, I just want to keep saying Jesus I lack. Lord I lack your love, I'm in lack.. 24/7 their must be more. I must witness the sweetness of having you to the fullness. But this sweetness does not come without sacrifice. I'm at that familiar place again, afraid of the sacrifice that will lead me into the arms of Jesus. I'm scared of letting go of the things that I no longer can manipulate anymore, my heart and soul long for God. I know through experience I can't settle for anything else, but he's looking at me heart broken. And we're at a stand still, tears in his eyes I just want to hold him, but these comforts, these desires, these things still occupy my heart. What would it look like for him to have it all? What would that dependence look like? All my friends and things are occupying so much of my time lately, I just want to break from this and hide away with him. I know the enemy is coming with an attack, a temptation, one of my hearts strongholds, and even though I can resist I must conquer. The only way I can fully conquer and trample the enemy underfoot is to fall deeply in love with Jesus, but it doesn't quite happen so easily. I have to advance his kingdom forcefully and it burns me and it hurts, it isolates me, and makes me face my own frustrations, to be given over fully to him seems more painful at the time than not having him. But I can't go on any longer not having more of him, these places in my heart must let go of the old things and grasp Jesus now, my heart is still so weak in those areas and I have to surrender. It's not uncomfortable to go to the wilderness, I hate the wilderness the bitter cold, the isolation, the starvation, but I can't bare to see the tears in Jesus eyes knowing that he wants to hold me. But their are things stuck on me, that I can't get off, their are emotions that I still cling to and WILL fall into under the right circumstances. Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus, how sweet is our savior. But Jesus even now save me from myself.. take me to the wilderness I must have you! No talking, No eating, no idle time, I give these small pleasures up to feast on you. My heart has been tugging towards another lover, and I see your eyes and I'm heart broken, we are at a stand still. But I can't go back that way again, the only way to resist it is to grasp a deeper level of love with you that is the only way. Mediocrity will not fight this temptation, complacency in our relationship will not help my heart overcome this temptation. I must have you but I can't grasp you if my arms are full of other lovers, other idolatries, other things. Jesus Jesus Jesus I need prayer! I love you! Intercede for me, I NEED YOU!
Your daughter Brooke
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