Jesus I'll keep fighting!

Jesus the battle is strong, I start to get careless, I start to think about now instead of eternal things I cling to those other lovers because theirs lonliness in my heart, I long for you, but the more I want of you the more I come to the realization how little I have of you.
Jesus I want to sing you a love song,
I want to come in your loving arms and let all these other responsibilities fade away, Today I was thinking you are soo much sweeter than the sweetest of food. And that I wanted you, but then I allowed myself to become weak again and ended my fast.
I realised what a heart connection I have with other things.. other idolatries, it's not that it's food, it's not that it's coffee, or memories of a boy, or time with friends, it's really that I turn to those other things instead of fully delighting myself in you first. Father I love your love! As deep calls unto deep, affirm in me that the one thing I truly desire is to gaze upon the beauty of your face and dwell in your temple all the days of my life pslm 27:4. Is this is the true heart beat of being love sick, than take me there. I am weak but I'll continue to see to fast, not earn your favor but to SEE it and KNOW it. I can't see the deepness of something looking on the outside of it, I must plunge myself into the deepness of the deepness of the sea. And really engage myself into the fathers love..
But just like the builder counts the cost.. what will it cost?
Will cost a few social memories?
Will it cost a good conversation and a good cup of coffee?
Will it cost the material possesions that I like to gloat over?
Will it cost my time? My energy?
Will it cost my pride? Will it cost my RIGHTS to have what I want when I want it?
just like the laborer counts the cost before he builds the house, I count and see what is the worth of going deeper with my beloved.. I say I'll give him my all, Jesus beloved and everything! But I can't see how to let loose my hands to let go of the idolatries of my heart. The Lord will come back and bring everything under judgement every good and evil thought, he will know those places of my heart that are still not fully his. Father I say again Jesus I lack.. I'm not going to look the other way anymore I lack intimacy. Father take back my heart from the other lover, the lover I gave myself to, and you can have it back. And we'll be married together forever, not caring if my physical life ever brings much physical fruit. But I want to sow things in the spiritual relms, I want to sow intimacy and communion with you. You can have my earthly blessings.. I'm setting my gaze for the kingdom. Have my heart I will seek no other.. until you obtain it and retain it I will not stop asking.

Jesus I've felt like I want to do something crazy for you.. you know I'm crazy about you but I must consecrate myself in a deeper way not because I have to but another way of showing you my love.. it is my desire for this love to be at your feet poured out on your feet. I give you my tears my repentance of a heart that was so careless with it's affections, I want to give all my affections to you. Mary cried because she can't believed that she wasted her life not pouring out her affections and gazing at your beauty all the days that she lived, and then when she finally did. She realised what beauty was, she realised this is what her soul panted for, she realised that this precious perfume was nothing if it wasn't poured out on your beauty. Well this precious heart and it's affections mean nothing, if I don't pour them out on you. My soul was meant for you, yet I have been keeping it and occupying it with other things, other lovers, but now I want you to just embrace it. So that for you glory the fragrance that Paul talked about would be recognized by you when we do street ministry, when we embrace your people, when they see your heart, and are led back to repentance this is my desire. I lovvee youuuuuu


I pray that you would help me keep up the fight, stir up urgency and a focus and vision of your face, that my soul would not rest until I obtained your fullness. Father I pray that each time I say no, each little heart ache that I suffer each little sacrifice would be a beautiful fragrance in heaven of the love that you not only deserve .. but your REQUIRE. Forgive me Jesus for never wasting my life, my affections, time, and love at your feet. Now that I turn back to repentance it's so hard for me to be fully yours again, please help me I am not used to you having so much of me. Father let me just dive into you, without regret, without question.. wrecklessly I let go of everything and let you overcome me with an embrace.

Jesus Jesus Jesus.