I'm so confused.

I know I'm confused because I've been letting my thoughts wonder, for the Lord doesn't let the little birds go hungry, but at the same time he's telling me ok little bird.. you will know but not now. I don't do well with suprises, I'm not a very patient person. I want to know the direction my life is heading.. Will I live a life of practicality? Or will I be poor, and live radically? I say both.. I want to live like Keith Green and His Wife Melody Green did. I want to live like John the babtist, but I feel as if too many things are holding me down.

Father I committ everything to you.. this may sound like ramblings. But I'm just going to go ahead and keep typing because Jesus this is for you. I don't know what tommorrow holds, I don't even know about today or the very next hour. All I know is this.. THIS WORLD HAS NOTHING FOR ME, I ONLY WANT YOU. I'm pretty confident in your love for me, I know I am I can throw a big amount of dough towards your kingdom and bless your heart without worrying about gas money because you provide! I can be a witness of your love and your word without worries of what people might think.. All I want is you.. I don't need to chase after any other lovers. You are mine and I am yours.. I don't need a facebook/myspace profile to dress up and represent my true nature to you. You see every fiber and every dirty little thought, and evil secret place my heart can wonder, and you love me still the same. I AM ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITHOUT YOU. I'm not going to worry about this coming age.. father that is not kingdom like to worry, to plan out, to scheme, to arrange.. to manipulate my future to be safe for me. Father my future won't be safe you said I'll undergo hardships but to not lose heart because you've conquered the world, you said people would hate me.. do you promise? Because I keep thinking that I'm getting swept up with the flattery of life and the pride of my dirty flesh and it would be a lot more easier for me to enjoy you if people just hated me. Then It would be granted to me! Like paul says... to suffer with you! I'm sick of all my vanities, and all my vain attempts to use you to get what I want and then losing you.. to whome my soul pants and groans for. Father I am very weak, like a hungry broken child. I am very hungry and my soul is very much longing for you. Not some imperfect people, to talk to about my imperfect life, Jesus I need you! My life is moving way too fast.. I want your kingdom and I want it with purity! Father I think I've been seeking your kingdom, but I think I might often wonder away from the whole pure at heart thing.. YEA THAT'S A HUGE THING I NEED TO GET A HOLD OF! But my heart is too selfish, and it's this nasty disease I don't know how to fix... all I can say is the spirit and bride say come! Please come back and clean your bride, please help her get that oil.. because she's too flaky and too caught up in life and she doesn't count the cost. She doesn't sit there and cry and worry about the cost, but she counts the cost like a builder who's about to build a house. Well father I need you to labour, or else I labour in vain! I am weak... and TIRED. And selfish and frankly really sick of myself to want your kingdom as bad as you do. So if you could Jesus just take back your kingdom by force, and turn me into a forceful women in prayer and intercession that actually gives a two cents about waht you think.. and where you heart lies.. Because you know where my heart lies.. it is decietfully WICKED, WHO CAN TRUST IT? SO that's where my heart stands Jesus! It's wicked.. and I can't trust my own heart, so I'm asking you to intrust your nature your holy spirit to inhabit me.. because I'm sicking of seeking your kingdom my own way... I think your way is faster, and more enjoyable, I'm going to TRUST that your burden is light.. and I just need to fix my gaze on the beauty of your face, and stay fixated on the race you've set out for me. Don't let my soul be down cast! You said awake! And pray that you may resist temptation!

Father I ask that I can resist temptation..I am nothing without you! I need help..please do some damage control with this filthy heart and let your spirit it dowse it.. it needs you.. really it does. Bless my heart all over again Jesus!


STILL YOUR BELOVED DAUGHTER, AND FRIEND THAT YOU CAN TRUST AND CONFIDE IN
Brooke