Life at almost 20.

I LOVE BEING ON the Teen Mania campus, this place is such a sweet pure innocent pursuit of Jesus. They encourage sweet basic truths, that other christians seem to unlook.. like Integrity, love, servanthood, and leading with humility. I love the interns here.. they're pride is broken, their love is pure, and they are focusing on the simplicity of loving Jesus for yourself.

It makes me want to be alive on the inside. I want my heart to be ravished again, I want my pursuit of Jesus to start in the secret place. I've been nomading my way around to different coffee shops looking for a different atmosphere to do my homework.. I haven't one. I miss my roommate allyssa who simply sits by me, calms me, and explains to me step by step how to do my homework and not be overwelmed. She's a nurterer alright, she's a mother on the inside the type of mother I want to be. Peaceful, encouraging, soft spoken, thoughtful, and calm. I love her. I also love my roommate Ally .. she is the papa for sure- Faithful, smart, handy, full of knowledge and practicality that you can't find on google, and she has a backbone and a protective spirit about her. I love my roommates lynn and emily as well. Lynn brings the house joy.. and I've never met another person that has brought out such awkwardness in me, I love our talks, I love her heart, and I pray for peace all around her. I also love Emily she is more like a sister to me, she is my little sister in a way. I know her heart, I know her intentions, I know her purity in seeking Jesus.. she's the mary I'm the martha at times. She gets fed because she expects our father Jesus to feed her.. I work at times because I expect him to notice my works, and yet I see her gazing at him and I wnt to be like her. She's naive and soo very trusting, I like this about her and there is no fear of man in her. This is great, she encourages me so much.

Life is crazy right now.. I'm seeing all these couples get together. Most of them will be married within two years max. I'm watching them, and I'm in wonder because I knwo that the world wouldn't put these two together, some of the couples don't even make sense.. but they see the beauty of Jesus within each other. And this makes their love so much stronger than any other hot couple the world would put together. This makes me think of my own personal promises from the Lord, I'm pretty content with being single and I won't waiver on the man that God has for me. I'm in no hurry.. my dream was always to be married at 27.. this is a beautiful age and I envy those who have gotten to wait this long. But I belive that the Lord said I would get married young, and I see a lot of puzzle pieces coming together. Bhahaha but I am so patient.. because these things still completely freak me out.

I've been in this coffee shop for ahwile and I love the music they are playing , meditation to my soul.They also played a lot of Keith Green, I really love this. I see beauty in pursuing Jesus right now. He's cleaning house within my soul and I'm coming back to my first love, finding the secret place where I really knew him. Seeking to be alive and in love on the inside.. I would rather not go through the motions at all then go through the motions and have him not show up. It's too dissapointing and it hurts too bad, so in the secret place I'm pretty resolute on finding him. This is my Joy in this lifetime, this is my prize.

My Birfday is coming up.. I'm going to be 20. This is unreal.. I've been in my teens for quite sometime and I now I'm starting to see kids around me and instead of me being the youngest I'm getting up there with the old folk. I'm seeing teens that I am completely suprised with.. I can't believe their younger than me. And this stirs up urgency in my soul.. my life is fading. My life is running out of time. I need to embrace him, I need to find him, I have to be altered by his gaze of grace. I can't just live in this state forever. My attitude had been so poor, I was envying everyone around me, I knew of God, but I didn't know what God felt about me, and I wouldn't give him that part of my heart. I wouldn't let him close.. I wouldn't let him love me directly, fully, I wouldn't let him hold my bare gross exposed heart. I just wouldn't do it, this made me independent.. it was stunting my ability to love my roommates, to love myself, to love him. Becuase I had put him soo far off. Last night was great break through.. He said " Don't move... I want to hold you..Don't Do.. I WANT to love you". This is a song I'm going to write for him, and hopefully when pple listen to this they won't strive they'll hold out their empty hands and receive what the father has for them.

My life is a wirlwind.. and I see things around me..
New Zealand.
Prayer.
NO WORKS, JUST INITMACY.
still ... empty.. bare.. real quite times.
family restoration.
Love abounding, my heart coming alive again..
homework and studying eventually being accomplished and hopefully a discipline forming within me.
20 YEARS.. 20 YEARS OF LIFE..o0 Jesus breath in me.
Missions.
Nursing.
Marriage.
Love.
keith green ministry..
new wine being released.
the love of the father being poured out.
learning how to pray.
More tattoos.. I'm not scared.
growing in love, and growing into the image of Christ.
Letting go of envy, self pity, covettness, and focusing less on myself and more on the beauty of Christ.
Prophetic written songs.
Salvations.

LOVE . HUMILITY. Let them define me. Form me into the image of your son Christ.


Favorite quote of the weekend...
"The way you get good at praying.. is your pray. The way you develope a deeper prayer life is you pray, just pray. There is no formula you just do it, you just pray."